~ Questing the Bag of Plenty ~

(drafted and backed in the spring 2018)

~ part one ~

Three men scrawl notes with seriousness around a table, one with maps, annotating.  They look up at the sound of thunder to the window showing a clear night.

A knock at the door.

They cover their notes suspiciously as the one with the maps flips them over and stares across to the others ... "No.  Peeking."

He opens the door.

Lieu Hanh - Carrying a RPG launcher on her back from the Sabine battle, "Hi !  Brandon says you've got a game tonight !"

Xquic - Also with RPG, "You do have a game tonight ... ?"

They both hold up small velvet bags with smiles.

Mapkeeper - "Brandon ... ?"

Lieu Hanh - "Brandon.   Yes.   I'm sure you've heard of him."

Xquic - "Fuck Brandon."

Lieu Hanh - "I can't believe you're still mad just because he bird-lofted your stupid character forever ago.  Get over it.  Brandon's the shit."

Xquic - Looking away, "Whatever."

Lieu Hanh - "Anyway.  Do ... you have a game tonight ... ?"

They both smile as wide as physically possible while each holds an unraveling bag of weed in their other hands.
________

Morgan stabs an orc through with her gun-blade then shoots, clearly enjoying herself, while Andromeda sits bored on a rock.

Morgan - Through a police comm (from 'Three Days'), "Amelia.  Back yet ?"

Amelia's voice - "Back.  Dropped off and loaded"

Morgan - "Any clue on these maps ?"

Amelia - In the engine room cleaning Morgan's pipe angrily.  Surrounded by open books, she glances up at them then back, "Nothing.  Probably hand drawn."
____

Andromeda - "I can't believe you call this a date night."
________

The two others in the basement look up from their notes, staring as Lieu Hahn and Xquic walk in after the mapkeeper runs around for chairs "They're in !"

They slam their RPGs on the table then very gently open their velvet bags to remove the dice.

Lieu Hanh - "Hey do you guys know Brandon ?"

Xquic stares at her, ignored.

Daniel - "Are ... you from the cosplay convention ?"

They look each other over ... "Sure !"

The mapkeeper runs around gathering bowls and snacks, "No peeking !"  Running the other way, "Brandon's the shit !"

Xquic - "Whatever."
____

Andromeda - "I'm not leaving this rock."
________

Xquic - Wearing Andromeda's wig, "My name's Andromeda, and I'm a sexy queen from Mycenae."

They all stare ...

Lieu Hanh - "That's so fucking creepy."

Xquic - "yeah ... creepy style ..."
____

Morgan - "Fine.  Have fun on remote control."

Andromeda - "What ?!"
____

Lieu Hanh - "I'm Morganna.  A delicate fairy princess."

Xquic stares at her.
____

Morgan spits, Andromeda turns away.
____

Xquic - "She will kill you."
________

Lieu Hanh - Rolling a blunt, "Last Blunt.  Weed's gone."

Xquic - Drawing a picture, "Fuck that.   I'm not even done with my character."

Lieu Hanh - "Seriously.  There should be a bag that never runs dry."  She licks the roll and looks at the mapkeeper.

He stares for a second, then his eyes go wide before he scratches out the name atop the map (Xotym's Scarf) and replaces it with :

~ Questing the Bag of Plenty ~

a holiday special about nothing at all

 

 

Blunts are passed around the smoky room in a circle, dice rolled through the smoke. 

('Too Funky in Here' by James Brown)

Andromeda - Standing up involuntarily, "Fuck !"  She's suddenly draped in pretty pink princess armor, staring down at herself in horror.

Staring :

 

Vincent as :

(A player appears from a flash from the sky, absurdly armored)

~ The Invincinator ~

Daniel as :

(Another appears in a flash, looking saintly)

~ The Pala-Dan-Can ~

Special guest stars :

 

Xquic as

~ Evil Queen Andromeda ~

____

Andromeda - "Hey !"

____

Lieu Hanh as

~ Morganna le Fey ~

 

 

Andromeda - Giggling at Morgan, "Wow. I think maybe I can do this now."

Morgan - Wearing a fairy gown with wings, "What ?"  Looking down ... "I'm going to kill her."

They chase random monsters down the hall past dancing skeletons through the song, Morgan struggling with her skirt while Lieu Hahn and Xquic high five while the other players dance in their chairs.

Larger monsters chase them back past the skeletons, Morgan trying to tear the skirt.

Lieu Hanh smiles over her page which says '+ 2 fairy dress'.

The mapkeeper stare over the books hitting the last of the blunt, burning his fingers and mouth, "Damn it !"

And introducing :

Dealer Mike as

 

(music break)

 

The mapkeeper taps numbers hard on the phone.

Mike - On the phone, "Okay but you gotta let me be the evil wizard this time."

Mapkeeper - A sigh. "Fine."

(music continues) 

 

Mike dances down the stairs with bags of weed.

 

~ Dealer Mike ~

 

An evil wizard cackles far down the caverns lightning erupting from his fingers with skeleton warriors rising all around.
________

Blunts are rolled then dice as the camera passes around the table while the skeletons dance to the chorus (Yes. Take it.)

~ It's an I'm The One With The Books production ~
_____________________________________

 

Kurukulla walks to the marketplace holding a list, a large sack over her shoulder, the gear-workers in file, all cloaked.

Kurukulla - "Shopping, shopping, shopping ..."

Gearworkers - "Shopping shopping shopping ..."
____

In the arms shoppe ~

Kurukulla -Slamming the door open, hood falling down and cloak open with her outstretched arms, "! Venus ! I need the ! Boom !"

The audience cheers, she looks around waving, "Yeah ! It's Me !"

Venus clears her throat and carries two portable quad launchers to the counter one by one. "Payment ?"

Kurukulla - Eyeing the beautiful launchers ... "Gold ?"

Venus - "All up on conductors ... I'm actually looking for artifacts these days ..."  She eyes Kurukulla's bag.

Kurukulla - Drops her sack and digs before throwing three pieces of wood onto the counter. "Pieces of the cross."

Venus looks suspiciously, then puts up her eyepiece to examine, "Wrong wood."

Kurukulla - "Huh ... well that's a wandering trader to kill tonight ..."

Venus - "Indeed."

Gearworkers nod their approval, punching palms.

Kurukulla - Back in the bag then digging, "Still good for burning ... Oh !   Eye of the oracle ?"  She puts an eyeball on the counter, rolling and righting itself to look at Venus.

Venus - "I already have the true eye of the oracle ..."  She puts up her glass, showing the eye staring first at Kurukulla, then angrily at the fake.

It rolls away sad and hops back into the sack.

Kurukulla - "I wonder who's eye that was ... hang on."  Digging deeper, while the workers peer into the bag, and she eyes the launchers with want.  "Do they have feed chains ...?"

Venus - Staring, "... two quad launchers means eight feed chains and the full load ..."

Kurukulla - "And the load pack !"

Venus - "You do understand how heavy this will be."

Kurukulla - Grinning, "Yeah ..."
____

Kurukulla - "Walking out of the shop launching rockets into the air, carrying the full load, "Shop ping, Shop ping, Shop ping ..."

Gearworkers - Following with large sacks of rockets, "Shopping !"
________________

With a twitching eye Amelia cleans Morgan's pipe, then a sound. Then the grinding clang of a metal door opening, the twisting squeak of the airlock spin.  Then silence.   Getting up angrily she grabs the flamethrower,.

Through the door from the engine room, a light in her eyes, "Freeze !  Put the ... that down, and put you hands where I can see them !"

~ Questing the Bag of Plenty ~

 

 

~ part two ~

... the light in Amelia's eyes ...

Amelia - "No. You drop whatever I'd assume you're pointing at me, and get that damned light out of my eyes or I'll burn you alive.  Which will be loud, annoying, and unpleasant to clean before my captain returns, so I won't.   And if you shoot me, that will all still happen."
____

In a field near a suburb, the Orson stomps on a patrol car.
____

The officer watches Amelia clean the pipe from behind the duct tape, making mumbled sounds.

Amelia - Looking up angrily and points the sharp the tool, "No mood."  A stare.  She returns to cleaning, removing the black chunks.

('Let's Take A Trip Together' by Morphine)

 

Sitting in a 'medieval' tavern, filled with the elves and what-not, ( ... sorry) Morgan and Andromeda sit at a table while Invincinator and Pala-Dan-Can stand in the corner surrounded by barmaids, PDC waving off repeated offers of mead, while Vince drinks and they laugh boldly.

A four skeleton band, the etcetera backdrop (the theme is awesome monster effects with cheap sets and costumes, as though the real monsters were playing dress up too).

Andromeda - Looks up over her mead out Morgan, "You know ... you really do look beautiful in that dress."

Morgan - Smiles, "Thank you.  I just wish I could run."

Andromeda - "Have you tried the wings ?"

Morgan - "Oh no ... I didn't think of that ... hm."  Exhaling to calm, "Your armor ... is truly hideous by the way."   Trying to contain laughter.

Andromeda - Laughing, "I know !"
________

Xquic fills in her picture with a pink sharpie.

Lieu Hanh - Peeks over, "That armor is so cool."

Xquic - Smiles, "Thanks !" Peeks over while Lieu Hanh colors, "Wowww ... we have to make sure she keeps that dress."

Lieu Hanh - Smiles wickedly while coloring, "Definitely."
________

Morgan and Andromeda spot the players talking to an hooded stranger, looking around suspiciously before handing them a slip of paper.
____

Dealer Mike - Passing the blunt, " 'Ere !"
____

Andromeda - Snickering ... "I think that's the 'contact'."

Morgan - "Looks like ... let's do this." She clears her throat and starts to hover, looking annoyed with flapping wings, turns slowly toward their meet.

Andromeda - Staring after her as she turns and flutters, "Oh. My. God. ...  She loves me."
____

Lieu Hanh laughs wickedly.
________________

Amelia cleaning the pipe, watched silently by the frightened man in duct tape.  A sound.  She glares at the officer, he gives a terrified shaking of head and shrug 'not me'.  

She furrows her brow back ...
________________

Fireballs blare down the caverns, Pala-Dan and Invincinator block with their shields, but are forced back to the nook in the caves, met by Morgan and Andromeda.  Mocking skeletons dance down the way, hurling a fireball occasionally to taunt.

Andromeda - "So ... why are we here ?"

Pala-Dan - "That, the evilest of all wizards who hold the unholiest of powers, has also that which we need to continue."
____

Past the skeletons, flanked by dragons, Dealer Mike laughs with lightning crackling from his fingers, all around him the dead continuing to rise and dance.

He pauses, takes a deep blunt hit, and continues laughing and coughing with lightning, dragons roaring flames to the air.
____

Invincinator - "He's not so bad."
____

Player Mike smiles at Vincent with a side nod and passes him the blunt.
________________

Outside the Orson three patrol cars surround, officers pointing pistols, lights in Amelia's eyes.
________________

Two dice roll through bouncing slowly the smoke ... each landing on twenty ...

The room draws back at the horror of it ...

Mapkeeper - "Wow ... I'm ... sorry ... ?"

Xquic - Wide eyed, as tears start to stream "... my ... character ..."

Lieu Hahn - "Oh no !"  She hugs her sobbing head glaring at the mapkeeper in terror and threat, shaking her head, "Nononononono.  No.  The wizard can resurrect her.  It's OKAY ..."

She glares, turning the RPG toward the mapkeeper and flipping a switch.

Mapkeeper - Staring at the red light as the activation whine clicks on, "Yes !  The wizard can do that !"  He turns his head glaring at Dealer Mike, who's smiling and nodding at the RPG.

Mike - "Yeah ... huh ?  Oh yeah I can do that."

Xquic - Back of her hand to her forehead dramatically, "Resurrect me ..." She slumps back hard in the chair to play dead and the chair falls backward with a crash, "! And then Avenge Me !"

Mike - "That's hardcore."

Xquic - From under the table, "That's right."
____

Andromeda - Splayed across a wall and on fire, face intact, "Seriously.  I can't move."
________________

Officer - On the megaphone, behind the car with guns pointing all around, "Come down from the ... thing and keep you hands where we can see them !"

Amelia - "No!  I'm busy !  And you can see my hands, they have rocket launchers in them !  I can't see yours ... but I'm guessing they don't.  We're just in an empty field, minding our own, so why don't you mind yours !   And get that damned Light out of my Eyes !"

The Orson turns with a stomp to face them, flipping Andromeda's cannons around to point forward with a grinding sound seeming close to a growl.
________________

As the sun sets ~

Kurukulla - Spotting a trader leaving the marketplace, teeth clenched behind her mask. "Wilhelm."

Trader Wilhelm freezes, then turns slowly in fear, sees Kurukulla full load both quads while the gearworkers drop their cloaks, stretching their neck and arms with fists. 

He turns and runs desperately, chased by rockets, dropping wares.  The gearworkers follow as she chases him, picking up what's dropped, "shopping-shopping-shopping."

The trader flies flailing through the air in front of the full moon over explosions, showering the scene with jewels and trinkets (Wilhelm scream)

~ rockets flying with jewels twinkling in the moonlight ~

 

"! Shopping !"

 

~ Questing the Bag of Plenty ~

 

 

~ part three ~

 

... while Andromeda's stuck to the wall ...

The warriors edge forward to another nook, taking it against the fire, then further until Andromeda can no longer see them.

From the other direction, a small gnome with a long grey beard and a fish for a hat carries a tiny stool and a large book. 

Andromeda stares with horror as he sets the stool down in front of her, sits and opens the book, clearing his throat to read.

Andromeda - "No."

Fish Hat Gnome - As a very old man, "Oh Yes !"

Andromeda - "No.  I don't deserve this."

Gnome - "Oh yes !  You do !"

Andromeda - After struggling uselessly to pull her head from the wall by her neck, "Fine.  I can take it."

Gnome smiles beginning to read ...
________

(! Cartoon time !)

Gnome - (Voiced over) "Once upon a time, in outer space ..."

Andromeda - "What."

Gnome - Clears his throat and speaks loudly, "Once upon a time in Outer Space ..."

A bird flaps it's way through space near an asteroid belt.  Behind the birds eyes, Daphne and Cassandra work controls in rubber gloves, surrounded by brain matter.
____

Andromeda - "They're inside it's brains.  It's a spaceship that's a bird, and they're sitting in it's actual brains.

The gnome clears his throat and stares at her.

Andromeda - Trying again to pull her head from the wall, "No !  It's cool !   Space bird.  Brain-pan.  Continue."

The gnome furrows his brow at her and continues to read.

Gnome - "Our heroes are chased by eeeevil peasants ..."
____

Daphne - "Damn it !  It's peasants again !"

Cassandra roars and waves her arms.

Daphne - "I know !  They always want stuff.  We're just going to have to lose them in those space rocks."

Cassandra waves her arms and roars, as the space bird shrieks it's turn toward the asteroids.

Daphne's voice over their turn, "Is that a shoe ?"
________

Meanwhile ~

Aboard the peasant ship, Pegasus stares angrily as the bird glides into the belt, a big band-aid 'X' over his missing horn.

Bridge officer - "Sir !  We can't possibly follow.  They're asteroids."

Pegasus - "Damn."

He turns brooding from the bridge.
________

Daphne - As they turn away, "Ha ! Bitches."

Cassandra roars.

Daphne - "I know right ?"
____

Their bird nicks an asteroid, spinning it out of control.

Daphne's voice - "Your fault."

Cassandra roars as they spin, the bird shrieking toward the watery planet.
________

Andromeda - "I fucking hate you little gnome person."

Gnome - "Oh no !  You love the gnome tales !  You do you do !  Now shush."

He stares.

She stares back.

A ticking clock.

The fish stares.

Andromeda - "I fucking hate you little gnome person."

Gnome - "And they !  Splash !  into the water !"

(they splash into the water)

Daphne - As the bird bobs to the surface, it's wings extended, "Are you alright Cassie ?"

Cassandra roars and kicks the wall, the bird mouth opens.  They walk down it's extended tongue.

Daphne - "I don't know how we're going to fix the stupid space bird, it's like 1000 years old !"

The space bird makes a sad open mouthed groan, joined by a sad growl from Cassandra before they look around.

Daphne - "Water planet eh ... Oh Shit ! Space lady on a Narwhal, twelve o'clock !"

Cassandra roars as they pull out their bows, the narwhal approaches.

Nocturne - "Hello ... friends ... it seems your space bird is broken. I can help you ..."  Her head turns slowly sideways, "... friends ..."

She stares.

They stare back.
____

Andromeda stares at the gnome.

The gnome stares back.
____

Daphne - "Sure !"

Gnome voice - "Later that very same day ..."

Nocturne - Staring at them while the work, before they slowly turn back to her with goggles, "I fixed your bird now ... and I didn't do anything weird ... friends ..."

They stare.

She stares.

Daphne - "Thanks !"

Nocturne rides away laughing on her narwhal.

Daphne - "She's nice."

Cassandra roars.

Daphne - "Hell yeah !"  They laugh, "Now let's get off this dumb planet."  As the bird mouth closes, "Did you ever think that a water planet is like an inside out toilet ?"

Cassandra roars.

Daphne - Voice as the bird leaves the planet, "Damn it !  The rocks are still there !"
____

Gnome - "The end."

Andromeda - "What ?!"

Gnome - "The ! End !"

He closes his book and picks up his stool, still staring, then turns and leaves.

Andromeda - Staring after him until he's gone, "I will find you, strange little gnome person.  And I will make you pay ... if it's the last thing I Ever ! Do !"

Fade to black ...

(this will have been Nocturne's first appearance)
________________

(a sample from 'The Max Headroom signal hijack')

(10 seconds or so of cackling, then ... )

('Dealer Mike' by Crust)

~ the warriors charge down the cavern against the flying fire ~

"! For Andromeda !"

Andromeda - Calling after, hearing their charge, "For Meeee ...!"

As the fireballs fly past they work in low using, then use the skeletons close in as cover while they hack.
____

Wilhelm runs screaming down the path with rockets flying all around.
____

Patrol cars flip through the air while the Orson kicks and Amelia launches drops and launches, police calling for back-up hiding in the foreground.
____

The dragons fly over bathing all in fire, skeleton as well as the warriors grab them used for cover. Dealer Mike watches breathing smoke, sending electricity across the field.
____

Dice are rolled.

Daniel's chair falls backward.

Lieu Hanh shoots Mike a look, while he smiles back evilly grinning and nodding.
____

News helicopters circle as the Orson rears up with Amelia grabbing a rail, to swat barely missing, it grinds a roar.
____

Morgan and Invincinator team for a final charge to the now close wizard, a dragon swooping from behind.  A coin is flipped and a die is cast.

Vincent falls back in his chair.

Hard looks between Mike and Lieu Hanh.
____

Wilhelm is hit upside the head with a false hunk of cross and goes down, the gearworkers walking to a circle nodding.
____

The Orson turns to the arriving tanks, crouching to spring and turning its guns.
____

The next dragon swooping behind Morgan leaping forward.

The mapkeeper raises the dice hand.

The tanks turn their guns.

Kurukulla - Walks up to the circle around Wilhelm, "I want a refund."

Morgan puts her gunblade through the wizard's chest and give him a look before pulling the trigger.

Lieu Hanh - "! Bang !"

Die slowly hit the table ...

Orson's chainguns start to spin ...

Player Mike grabs his chest, chair falling backward.

His hand thrusts up a blunt.

The dragon crashes behind Morgan. The wizard's spell broken, it rises behind her, flies over and away with a roar.

Dealer Mike - Moaning as he hands the resurrection potion (big tag) to Morgan, a giant hole in his chest, "This ... is ... for youuuu ... and thank you ... for teaching me ... how to ... how to ... loooooooovvvvvvve ..."

He croaks with his tongue hanging out.

Morgan - Stares a sec, shakes her head and pulls out her radio, "Amelia, pickup."  She yanks the leather bag from the wizard's side.
____

As the military gives fire orders, the Orson hops into the air and disappears with a ! Whoosh ! and thunder.

The police and military look around, lowering weapons.

The Orson reappears and lands on its feet with grinding threat.  The officer in duck tape plops on the ground, the Orson hops and gone loudly again.
________________

The sound of thunder from the opening ahead ~

Morgan and Andromeda limp to the cave's exit, Andromeda carrying a large egg.

Morgan - "Before we go ... is that ..."

Andromeda - "The one hundred percent difference between whether this was the best date night ever or the worst ?   Yes it is."

Morgan - Stopping and turning to her, she arranges a strand of Andromeda's hair, then smiles. She leans in to kiss, "I think it'll suit you."

! The End !

 

 

~ first after credit ~

The players stand outside, all saying goodbye ...

Xquic - "That was fun !  Sorry we have to blow up your house now."

She flips the RPG on and points.

Lieu Hanh - "... no we don't ..."

Xquic - "Sure we do !  Ev-i-dence."

Lieu Hanh - "Evidence of what ?!  For whom ?!"

Xquic - "Did you just say 'whom' ?!"

Lieu Hanh - "Whatever."  She points her RPG and flips on.

Xquic - "! Whom !"

They launch, the house is destroyed.

As the gamers stare, two ropes drop unnoticed, grabbed by Lieu Hanh and Xquic before they're pulled up and gone.

The players are then startled by a large sack of Mycenaean jewels and treasure hitting the ground from above in front of them, spilling out before their wide eyes.   They look at Dealer Mike.

Dealer Mike - Smiling at the destruction, takes a hit.  Sees them staring, glances down at the bag and back at them, then back to the fire.  "Oh yeah. I can move that."

~ last after credit ~

The crew returns, and meets at Amelia's engine room door, entering excited. Inside Amelia angrily cleans Morgan's pipe, then looks up feral at them hissing with eyes all wrong.

Morgan - "Happy birthday, Amelia." she gives her 'The Bag of Plenty'.

Amelia reaches in and pulls out a handful, smiling.  Then she looks again to her wide eyes, pulling out another, and another.

...

Amelia rolls in weed (everywhere), laughing maniacally while the rest hold hands.  Morgan fluttering her wings, Andromeda holds her egg, Kurukulla et al returned (and for some reason Daphne and Cassandra).

They all take a breath to sing a song, before the screen cuts out with the slam of a book.

Gnome voice - "And that's how I saved the world ! The ! End !"